Today i lost a friend. Ive been pretty down today ay. Me and Vanessa have been friends for almost 6 years. We basically grew apart. I felt guilty because when she really needs a friend i couldnt be there for her. in April she sent me this.
"okay luciane i really really miss you
you are sooooo special and i havent seen you in so long. remember when we use to be the best of friends and now look what has happened!!! i want our friendship back because we are amazing. we live sooo intensly close to each other and pretty much do not see each other at all.
im going to make a big effort to catch up with you A LOT when you get back from the us
i hope you have lots of fun
i really miss you :( xx"
With Vanessa, i we were best of friends and at one point enemies now nothing. Today we txted and i think shes tired of trying. Last year i was in this weird funk from november to may cause late last year my group had split and i didnt wana lose any friends so i tried to peace with everyone but that basically pushed me out of the group and made "them" more exclusive. After that i felt very lonely and depressed coming from group of about 13 people all friend to one close friend at Marist. I knew i didnt fit in and still dont, there are lovely girls but its way too forced to be real friendship and everyone is settled into their groups. I felt i wasnt close to anyone. Ness tried to keep our friendship but i kept pushing her away because thats what i got from "them". Gracie understood the who feeling so did katherine and eventually victoria. But Katherine and Gracie understood my feelings about the group more. Gracie also knew the pressure of being friends with nessa. We would feel uncomfortable because in a way she was different. Nessa went to parties and drink and clubbing and i remember in year 11 she didnt understand why i didnt like going out every weekend so i felt almost pressured. Nessa is sociable she started smoking and drinking before me she was experienced and i felt like a little child compared to her. I was busy often working and trying to have it all but that drove me crazy trying to have a social life pass school and earn money while finding time for myself. I know she doesnt get this i mean who would im complicated but it was too much for me and i grew closer to other people and so did she.
Yesterday she deleted me as a friend off facebook and told gracie that i was a shitty friend because i never make effort. and she was loosing friends because those friends at parties are most likely not true friends that generally care about you, like i did but something inside of me cant find that nessa that i would race to hang with. This brings tears to my eyes thinking of our old friendship and our history, but last year and this year i cant think of any. People grow apart and everything happens for a reason i believe. I wouldnt be crying right now if i didint care. In away in relived cause now i dont have to lie to her or feel awkward or bad because i dont have the pressure to be her friend but i love her too much to take it this far. It sound mean but She has an expectation that you feel you have to live up to.
Nessa is a beautiful smart loving person who is going through some hard times with bitchy girls and parental problems school/work stuff and thinking of moving to another place in NZ i honestly wish i could be there for her and wish her luck in life and only hope for the best with her, i honestly do and hope one day we can meet up one day for a coffee and have a catch up cause i do love her so much. It is the hardest thing for me to let go of friends especially one like her but we have come so far from year 7 and people change. I remember sitting on the bus one day after school in year 9 with her and she said "when i move to Auckland Girls Grammar will you still be my friend?" and i said "i dont know what i'll be like in the future, who knows if we'll ever talk again." and then we laughed but for some reason i might of seen it coming, some times you have to look at things realistically and think we may not even speak in 5 years cause a lot can happen. Now in year 12 shes not in school and im thinking of moving schools (i dont think we'd ever think of these decisions) But its not the end.
I love U Nessa with all my heart xx
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
RIVER PHOENIX R.I.P
I WAS WATCHING STAND BY ME WITH RIVER IN IT AND INTERVIEWS AND HOW SWEET HE WAS LOVE YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE ALIVE ONLY 4 WHEN I WAS PRESENT :(
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